just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
