he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
