Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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