Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
