I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
