A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
