I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
