Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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