I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
