She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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