false alarm. still invincible.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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