Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
