everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
