he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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