don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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