I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize