Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
