he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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