Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
