Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
