i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
