soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
