throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
