He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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