So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
