I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
