I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
