if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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