Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
