That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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