I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
