i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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