Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
