i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
