Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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