Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
