Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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