i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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