so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
