see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
