i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
