you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
