My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
