the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
