I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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