You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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