I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
