I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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