they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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