I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
