Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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