someone threw a dead crab at me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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