I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
