I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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