why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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