so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
